Archive for June, 2006

The Cycle Starts

June 27, 2006

So I’ve started my second week at the Noah Webster House. I’m working at the museum doing various things, including being a camp conselor for four out of the next nine weeks. Today was the first day of colonial kids camp. It was fun for me and the kids, but I’m pretty much a terrible conselor in that I don’t know what I’m doing and colonial history is not my expertise so my confidence and assertiveness is lacking. Alot. Anyway, I’m sure once I settle in everything will come together…its just a matter of time. Tomorrow should be fun as we have Tuesdays and Thursdays spent at Westmoore Park…which means sheeeeep! But the downside to the fun is the not-so-fun part which entails me staying after camp until 7:30 for Historical Interpreter training….Oh the joys of waking at 6 and working from 8:30 to 7:30. Luckily I should get four hours comp time to use as I please next week- sweet!

In other news, I am totally flip-flopping between happiness and despair. Its so retarded but I think I’ve become a tad bi-polar since graduating. One moment I feel like life is more amazing than ever, and other times my very un-buddhist qualities of attatchement, animosity towards change, and fear that things will never be as good as my last RISD year get the better of me. I still feel like I’m in grieving mode. And perhaps that’s understandable. My life really will not ever be the same. I won’t have so many friends so readily accessible and all in one place. I will no longer be able to use my student status as a means of excusing my own ignorance of the world. I won’t be able to see the people I love everyday as I have become accustomed. I will have to face the horridness of pinning down a real job that makes real money so I can pay real bills. I have to revoke the nice, comfortable and comforting bubble in which I have been living the last four years….no wait, make that 21 years. At times it is all very scary and disheartening.

BUT. At the very same time, I feel like opportunity abounds so long as I find it. Life is not over, it is begining, good things await, and time will reveal all in due course. Happiness is just as strong as ever. And love is equally potent. I could not be happier in that respect. I find myself trying desperately to make it through the day just so I can make it through the week just so that I can have the weekend and retreat back to the one who truly puts my mind at ease. For those two days…some 48 hours, I am at peace. Anxiety, restlessness, fear, nervousness-all dissipate. Life is perfect. The future is bright. Promising. Endless.

And then I leave. Returning to the life I was all too happy to put on hold. I am torn between living as if asleep, and dreaming as if fully functioning. My mind is at odds with my heart. My heart is at odds with time. And time is at odds with my memory.

May I not live life only for the past and future.
May I not forget the importance of the present, and my place in it.

So begins the cycle of the next nine weeks.

Today I ate a fortune cookie. Before reading the words of wisdom that were sure to follow, I directed it a question. I asked: “How will I make it through the summer?”
The tiny blue letters on the bit of white paper spelled out in reply:
“Writing is thinking on paper.”

And oh how it does me good to think.


All Head Full

June 10, 2006

My word. It’s over!

I’m home.
And most importantly-

no longer a student at the “prestigious” Rhode Island School of Design.
The absolute four best years of my life have indeed proven challenging, enlightening, amazing…an opportunity I could never have fathomed. I’ve grown so much. And I’m so happy with how far I’ve come and how far there is yet to go… Good things await, so long as I make them happen.

To recap:
Graduation was rainy, but ultimately we all got to cross the stage, and I’m very thankful for that, considering all the poor parents and family and friends who sat through it all for us.
Saturday was chaotic, with the packing and saying farewell….but we shall see each other again, so long as we make that happen. It’s a sad time, but there are positive things on which I can yet focus…

Just a bit of personal reflection, if I may.

I’m really proud of everything that’s happened this past year. Senior year could not have been a more exciting period of growth and accomplishment. I finally fully enjoyed myself while at the same time sincerely felt that I had given my work my all–essentially creating an entire portfolio of work of which I can be proud. And that stupid 4.0 no longer eludes me. Not too shabby an end to my school career. I know that especially at art school, grades are quite arbitrary. But it nonetheless made me feel good to clinch it in my last semester, and to be one of the few graduating with honors…with a 3.853 cumulative GPA I was able to attain my final educational goal. Nice closure, I suppose. But more importantly, I’ve never felt as comfortable creating art as I do….I can’t wait to continue on my own…continue improving, and learning…

One thing I could not believe was the absolute emotional blockage I’ve been experiencing. I know there is this well of emotion, nostalgia, appreciation, happiness, sadness, that simply will not physically manifest adequately. My mind is completely unable to truly comprehend the scope and impact that RISD has had on my life. The relationships that I have now are so important to me… I can not even begin to express how fortunate I am to have these people in my life. I think its primarily my mind protecting itself by refusing access to any sorts of overwhelming emotions. I haven’t even had a decent cry yet. Which scares me because I know I need to…

I’ve certainly been distracting myself, that’s for sure. I completely gutted my room and ridded it of everything that stuck me in the past. If I’m to be at home for at least the summer, I can not stand the thought of feeling as if I’m back in high school, surrounded by the person I was. I need room to grow…The person I am is so ridiculously further evolved than the girl I was. And all for the better. To love and be loved by family and friends and to finally accept myself for who I am and to appreciate all that I have and all that I can do has made the world of difference. To appreciate everything, even myself, is one of the most important things the past four years has enabled me to do. And I couldn’t have done that with my support system of family and friends…I’ve learned so much from you all.

In gratitude for everything, I say most humbly and sincerely, thank you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
I’ve got a job for the summer…an internship 9-5 Monday-Friday at the Noah Webster House. Donning colonial garb and teaching little girls about what it would really be like to be like their American Girl doll…sweet! No, I’m actually really excited about it. I think it will be really fun and funny…I’ll learn a lot myself and hopefully be able to use my creativity in various ways. I start the 19th and end August 25th or so…10 weeks, 9 dollars an hour isn’t terrible. After that, who knows.

Nothing came of teh Candlewick job, most unfortunately. Apparently they were pretty wrapped up with another candidate before I even applied, but I’m glad I did anyway. It’s solidified my contact with Anne Moore, and perhaps if anything should come up in future I will hear about it. Apparently she’s highly reccomended me to others there, so its a wait and see I guess.

The only other opportunity in sight would be working for Judy Sue in the fall. Her main man, Mike, is leaving to pursue photography. She mentioned this to me and said should Candlewick not take me, she’d welcome my interest in the position. It would be the most ridiculous opportunity ever. Essentially a studio manager. Its a tremendous amount of responsibility, and I very much doubt my abilities. But I would love to try it if she thinks its something I could do. I’d be a fool to discount it completely, that’s for sure.

Such positivity all around.
Such opportunity.
Such exciting things to come.

May I never lose sight of the possibility of possibility.

I’m young. In love. Happy.

Let’s see where I go from here.

The End and The Begining.

June 4, 2006

All that has been. All that will be.

Revelling and reckoning in all that is.

* * * * * * * * *
Let’s go home

and marinate.