Archive for August, 2006

The next step.

August 29, 2006

Well, I am officially finished with my internship. I finished the mural yesterday afternoon and brought it over to the House today. They all seemed to really, really like it–I think they might have been a little impressed, not gonna lie. Afterall they hired me primarily as a camp counselor, so I’m guessing they never expected to get a mural, a tavern sign, a new brochure, and a new brochure cover out of me all in the last couple of weeks. Phew. Murals are really difficult…I wish I could have spent longer, adding more details and stuff, but as it was I already worked 46 hours and am only getting paid for 35 of it. Damn.

But I’m not going to think much on that. Because Chris said that he may call me in future to do some more original art–and then I’d be getting paid with genuine grant money! Sweet! We’ll see if any more work comes out of this ever….

Having officially completed my summer work, I’m left job hunting once again. But-alas! I was awoken with an unexpected phone call from the guy at the Journal Inquirer asking if I was still interested in interviewing for the graphic artist job. So tomorrow I’ll meet with him, even though it might be a waste of both our time since I don’t know QuarkExpress and that’s the program that’s used…It so sucks because in school we only use Adobe programs so when the hell is a recent grad supposed to have had the chance to use it proffessionally? Anyway, I’d like the chance to prove my computer profficiency so I downloaded a trial version and have done some of the tutorials for practice. It’s basically just like a combination of Illustrator and Publisher, and it honestly didn’t seem that complex. So we’ll see if he gives me a shot or turns me a way pretty quickly. Either way I don’t really care because the job doesn’t exactly thrill me. I guess I’ll ask him about it and see if its even something I’d like to do.

And if all else fails, I’ll just work at a bookstore for a few months, you know, until I go crazy.

Anyway, here’s a picture of the tavern sign and 8foot by 6 foot mural. So glad to be done!


It’s the question that counts

August 24, 2006

How awesome were the past six days?
How unfathomable the past nine months?
How has such good fortune come to me?
How does everyday get better?

How do I have such unconditional encouragement and support?
How is there someone so befitting, so complimentary, so symbiotic?
How am I able to be part of something so amazing?

How will I be able to retain this appreciation?
How can I maintain everything else that needs attention?

How am I going to find a job?
How will I ever finish this damn mural?
How do I think so little of the abilities I have?

How do I forget so easily?
How can I make myself remember?

How I choose to answer is up to me.


August 14, 2006

Ok, so after that mind opening little rant I just had with myself in the previous post, I decided to write what I originally set out to do, a more pleasant account of what I’ve been up to as of late.

So let’s see.

Two weeks left at the Noah Webster House. Which is exciting but also scary because this week is camp and next week I’ll be working on a giant mural, something which I’ve never done before. I have not a clue as to go about doing it, or whether I’ll even be able to finish it in time…

This past weekend was riddiculously happy. Much quality time well spent. I got out of work early on Friday (12:30!) so I was able to drive to Scituate and bring Adam back with me earlier than planned. Friday night was relaxing and I think its safe to say we probably had more alone time together in the first few hours than we did all of last weekend combined. So it was definitely needed. We watched Matilda because I thought he had never seen it (blasphemy!) but he actually had so whatever. It was awesome anyway. On Saturday we just hung out around the house, played nintendo, went for a bike ride (sooo tiring- I am sooo pathetically out of shape). Saturday night we had pizza with the family and then mom, dad, Britt, Ben, and Adam and I went to see World Trade Center. Granted, I did not really want to see this film because I still think it’s way too soon to be appropriate, plus the whole moral issue of making money off a national tragedy, but regardless my curiosity was enough to get me to the theatre. My thoughts on the film are thus: First of all, I did find it respectful. In my opinion, it was a minimalist September 11th film. It was remarkably subtle and inoffensive. I definitely had a strong emotional response, and it was not nearly as cheesy as I feared it might be. Overall, I think it was as respectful and well-handled as it could have been. I do not regret seeing it. And that’s that. On Sunday Adam and I hung around the house until I had to drop him off at 5.

Overall, a marvelous weekend indeed. I wish it was Friday again.

What the bleep.

August 13, 2006

Oh my.

The dawning realization that I’m out of a job in two weeks time.

Yes, I’m more than looking forward to having some time off, but where the hell do I go from here?? I need to sit down and think for a minute about what I’d really like to see happen in the coming months. So I guess that’s what I’ll do now.

Ok. So. Here we go.

First of all, I really want to avoid having to get a job in retail. I know I said I’d just get some sort of normal job at Borders or something, but constantly in the back of my mind is Tim Gillner’s voice from Boyd’s Mills Press telling me NEVER to let myself work retail, and that “if you don’t have a job in 6 months in this buisness (either illustration or publishing) it’s your fault,” because I’m doing something wrong.

And as flattering as that was to hear from an Art Director of a children’s publishing company, it really is a much scarier and more difficult order to adhere to…
Because what the bleep can I do while living at home in Manchester, CT?
I can’t go to Boston. Yet. I can’t afford to at this point. More than that, I’m not sure I want to leave my family right now. And I don’t know that my confidence as an illustrator is where it needs to be to get freelance work. So where does that leave me?

It leaves me scared and unmotivated by the fear that I am not and will not be good enough to get work…in any capacity. But I also I know I’ll never be satisfied if I settle for less than I know I could be doing. Yet at the same time I’m so terrified that settling is looking pretty damn appealing…

I mean when it comes down to it, would I really prefer getting paid to do relatively painless work over trying desperately to make a creative or freelance job work? Sometimes it seems like it would just be so easy to forget about art for a while.

Oh, I don’t know what the hell I want, so how the hell do I make a decision?

Why can’t I just get over myself and stop worrying? So what if I’m inexperienced. So what if I don’t know all the programs most jobs require. I’m intelligent enough to figure it out and dedicated enough at what ever I do to ensure that I am good at whatever its I’m paid to do.

I guess I’m terrified by the idea that if I don’t hurry up and start a career, I’ll lose whatever footing I had to begin with, be it connnections to people or the ability to create. It’s those fears more than all others that leave me so paralyzed. I’m scared that I’ll settle and dissapoint my own potential. As much as I loathe prooving myself to myself, it’s that which keeps me going.
Without that, I am nothing. And I don’t want to be nothing.

So there’s my answer. I can no longer deny the fact that I need to get myself to a place that will foster my creativity and my career, because trying to ignore that desire by pretending it doesn’t exist and that I’d rather just take some time to “marinate” is threatening my sanity.

But what can I do given the present reality that:

1. I am living in CT for probably all of this year.
2. I need a local part or full time job.
3. I need to make money.
4. I need to be creative. As much as possible.
5. I need to get my head out of my ass before it becomes permanently lodged there.

OK. So. Here’s the plan.
1. I’ll find a job. Doing anything relatively creative.
2. I’ll do my own illustration work in the meantime.
3. I’ll work on my book dummy, send it to publishers, and write more manuscripts.
4. I need to remember that my sanity and happiness depends not exclusively upon those with whom I surround myself, but also what I choose to do with the time that I have.
Make the most of it, stay positive. Work diligently. Work passionately.
And make each day what I want it to be.

Because I really do have the power to do so.