Archive for May, 2007

Goodbye To My Friends

May 22, 2007

Zoey Veronica Martin
January 2, 1993 – May 18, 2007

Taz Samuel Martin
February 20, 1993 – May 18, 2007

If you have never experienced the comfort, companionship, and unconditional love of a childhood and life shared with animals, you will never know how much it hurts when they are no longer with you. And if you have been fortunate enough to experience the bond between child and pet, then you know how hard it is to say goodbye.

To my friends, Zoey and Taz, who knew me when I was small, and who loved me ever since.
I only hope they know how much it meant, and that they will never be forgotten.



May 16, 2007

Strange dream.

I’m driving in a car with my sister, only it’s like a British car or something so I’m on the right side and my sister is a passenger on the left… And she’s asleep. I’m driving down the road right near my own street and suddenly out from behind some trees walks a giant lioness, about to step out into the road. I’m so excited and frightened at the same time because (of course) even though I’m trying to keep my distance, the lioness will surely attack me and my sister trapped in the car. I excitedly try to wake my sister but she won’t wake for anything so I pull out my digital camera determined to collect photographic evidence of this creature– I decide it simply HAS to be the giant cat that is rumored to be roaming around the back woods of CT, so I MUST get a decent picture. The only shot I get is blurry, I start panicking that I’m going to miss my chance. And then the lioness walks across the street and begins down the other road (which looks nothing like it does in real life. Instead of a residential neighborhood, the road is lined by woods. So I start driving after it, one hand on the wheel, the other holding my camera. I still try taking it’s picture even though as you can imagine, driving while focusing and framing a moving animal within a picture is not so easy. And then all of a sudden, another lion (male) strides out into the road, and I’m like, HOLY CRAP, A LION! He’s beautiful, his full, furry mane flowing all around him. And I’m still like, HOLY CRAP, I try and take a photo of him as well…and then A FOX comes running out of the woods, and I’m like WHAT THE- and then A DEER runs out and then I’m driving behind these animals just trying to capture them as the run along on the road. But then they run off and I can’t see them anymore and I just keep hoping that I got some awesome pictures. It’s at this moment in my dream that I actually think to myself “OMG. This is just like Pokemon Snap come to life! I’m living the pokemon game right now– I’ve got to tell Adam!!!”

And then the next thing I remember is seeing what appears to be a completely black lion by the side of the road, only he’s huge and has horse legs… And then I realize he’s actually about as tall as a house. And as I drive I see more of these black lion house-sized horse-legged animals, grazing in a heard on the side of the road. At this point I completely forget about photographing them, I just want to stare and absorb the unbelievable sight with my own eyes. Apparently my sister has woken up and is now driving the car. We keep driving down the wooded road and then we reach a narrow part that borders the muddy bank of a lake to our left. We can see that the oncoming traffic up ahead (a line of cars) has stopped, so we slow down as well, realizing the cause for the abrupt stop was that one of these massive lions is standing right in the middle of the road. You know how moose can sometimes be super dangerous to motorists? Well, it was like that. Only the threat of this giant creature crushing our car with us inside was very real, and very scary. And then the lion starts heading right for us, rather slowly, but surely. I yell to Amber to go right and let the lion walk to the left of us, towards the water of the lake, but she does exactly the opposite! She starts driving into the mud, and I’m yelling at her WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT?!?!?!? And then the car stops, I panic thinking we are now stuck in the mud, surely to be crushed at any moment by the black horse legged lion walking towards us one step at a time….

And then I wake up.

What the hell was that about?

La Musique

May 13, 2007

Ok, so this is going to be an ongoing (possibly ever-changing) post, but I want to create an archive listing of some of my favorite songs. Believe me when I say I like a LOT of music, so this may be tricky. But some of my favorites that I can think of at the moment are as follows:

-Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve
-Half Acre, Hem
-How It Ends, Devotchka
-Til The End of Time, Devotchka
-Dearly Departed, Devotchka
-Love Will Never Kill The True Heart, Stars
-Sleep Tonight, Stars
-Ageless Beauty, Stars
-Look Up, Stars
-Goodnight And Go, Imogen Heap
-Can’t Take It In, Imogen Heap
-Let Go, Frou Frou

-Throw It On A Fire, Bell Orchestre
-Clouds, The Submarines
-Fresh Feeling, Eels
-Starálfur, Sigur Ros
-Chicago, Sufjan Stevens
-Scenic World, Beirut
-Black Eyed Dog, Nick Drake
-Keep The Car Running, Arcade Fire
-Only In Dreams, Weezer
-Song Song Song, Final Fantasy
-He Poos Clouds, Final Fantasy
-Nowhere Warm, Kate Havnevik
-New Day, Kate Havnevik
-Bron-Yr-Aur, Led Zeppelin
-You Have The Moon, Magnetic Fields
-The Book Of Love, Magnetic Fields
-Nite and Fog, Mercury Rev
-In A Funny Way, Mercury Rev
-Blackout, Muse
-Deep Red Bells, Neko Case
-Samson, Regina Spektor
-Are You On My Side, Rogue Wave
-Send Me On My Way, Rusted Root
-Young Pilgrims, The Shins
-Australia, The Shins
-Fake Palindromes, Andrew Bird
-Trouble, Coldplay
-The Light Before We Land, The Delgados
-Lullaby, Dixie Chicks
-Climb The Ladder, Of Montreal
-Light & Day, Polyphonic Spree
-Do You Realize, The Flaming Lips
-Jogging Gorgeous Summer, The Islands
-Oh, What A Beautiful Dream, Elf Power
-Rabbit Catcher, Jeffery Butzer
-Home, Engineers
-Black Cat, Starlight Mints
-Simple And Clean, from Kingdom Hearts

…more to come.

Going Crazy…Cracking Up…Loosing My Mind…etc

May 10, 2007

I lost my mind for approximately 12 minutes yesterday.

And as scary and ridiculous as it was, it was also freeing.

Dormant stresses are not conducive to a healthy mind.
Things need to be addressed. As difficult as that is to do sometimes.

Things that could not remain ignored yesterday included but were not limited to:

1. Me feeling like a loser. For not making money. For barely having a job. For being scared of being an artist. For being scared of everything. For being out of school for one year and having nothing to be proud of.

2. Me doing nothing productive with the time I do have to myself. And then I feel guilty about it. Even if I do try and just relax and enjoy myself, I spend all my time feeling guilty for not being creative. And then I feel that if I’m going to spend my time not getting paid to be creative, then I should get a real job instead. Spinning a vicious web of guilt and anxiety which completely stunts any forward motion whatsoever. I’m stuck. And it’s entirely my own fault.

3. My two dogs, friends and family since third grade, are faced with mortality. Mortality not brought on by the natural workings of old age and forces over which we have no control, but by our own inability to care for or about them any longer. They have become a magnet for tension and stress for my entire family. And we can take no more of it. We tried all we could. It’s time. But it still feels wrong.

4. Various other personal areas of anxiety relating to the particular time of month that approaches.

5. The fear that the future for which I so desperately long will never come to pass. And that it will be my own undoing.

So after my mom and sister made a few off-handed comments to me at the kitchen table yesterday afternoon, I lost it. I felt attacked and stupid and ashamed of myself.
I screamed to my mother that “I want to be out of this house so fucking bad you have no idea,” I screamed to my sister that I “don’t know how she lived here as long as she did.”
And then I cried. Alot. And then I hyperventilated. And couldn’t breathe. And thought I was going to pass out. And that was truly frightening. To be so out of control as I was in that moment was in fact a wake up call that showed me how much control over myself I normally do have.
(Thankfully my mom and sister saw how out of sorts I was that they quickly forgave me for being such an ungrateful asshole.)

I need to be responsible and take care of myself and do what is right for me. I need to live up to myself, and prove myself to myself, no one else. Because when that need is not being met, I fall apart. It’s up to me to keep me sane.

So it doesn’t matter that I’ve accumulated a year of unproductivity.
All that matters now is that I don’t let it continue.

Because I won’t forgive myself if I ruin my own life.

“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.”
-William Hazlitt

Oh all the days
That I have run
I sought to lose that cloud that’s blacking out the sun
My train will come
Some one day soon
And when it comes I’ll ride it bound from night to noon
And I feel as if I am looking at the world from the bottom of a well
And the only way to beat it is to bat it down
And the only way to beat it is to bat it down


May 8, 2007

I think I may need a week to recover from the fantasmicly awesome week that preceded this one. I mean, come on! Does it get any better than a week-long visit with your best friend you haven’t seen in a year, four consecutive days with your boyfriend, attending an awesome senior show, enjoying beautiful weather, hanging out in Providence, running into old friends, and eating tasty things like burritos? Uh, I think not.

It was the best.

Lemme break it down for you fine folks.

Saturday, April 28th

-Worked all day, intended to make it to Providence that evening. But my car died that morning. So much for that. Tried to get it fixed that night, first we replaced the alternator. But it died again. Then bought a replacement battery. Tried to put it in the car that night, but Sears gave us the wrong battery. Oops.
-went to bed a whiny baby.

Sunday, April 29th
-My dad exchanged the wrong battery for the proper one as soon as Sears opened. Then he fixed my car.
-I drove to Providence shortly thereafter.
-Met up with Adam who was painting in Studio. Spent all day in studio. And then all night. Probably grabbed a bite to eat in between. Got home to his place near 3:30. Bed at 4am.

Monday, April 30th

-Woke up at 8:30 to move my car. Took a shower. At 9:30 Andrew picked my up to drive with him to pick up Michelle from the airport.
-MICHELLE!!!! Finally reunited with her after almost a year. Crazy happy. EEEEEEE!
-Got some tasty Dunkin’ Donuts.
-Drove back to Adam’s. Michelle gave us awesome presents. Adam: a dinosaur book and petrified dino poop. Me: An Of Montreal t-shirt, a Devotchka t-shirt and sticker, a lamb headband, lamb barrettes, a golden key necklace, and several authentic stereo view cards. SWEET. Michelle=amazing.
-Visited briefly with Adamantium.
-Beat the damn Providence parking nazi’s by leaving before we got ticketed round about 11:45am.
-Got to my house. Visited. Went to lunch at Friendly’s. Crispy chicken wrap=mmmmmmm.
-Hung out at my hizzouse with mom.
-Went to Brittany’s Choral concert with the whole family (Mom, Dad, Amber, Grandma, Kait, Michelle).
-Brought the family back (including Brittany) to my house and laughed at the funny Photobooth pictures on mom’s computer. Grandma almost peed her pants out of laughing the hardest I’ve ever seen her.
-A happy family-filled night.

Tuesday, May 1st
-Took my 19 illustration sample packages to the post office to be mailed to publishers. Finally. Fingers crossed that I will at least get back a few response cards so I can get a little feedback from this super expensive mailing. (eye twitch).
-Brought Michelle to work with me at the art school so she could experience first-hand the ultimate kid cuteness that is pint-sized painter 5 year-old Benjamin Small. She was of course, blown away with his adorableness. Not to mention his 3 year-old sister Naomi’s.
-Went to Shady Glenn for a late lunch. Extremely tasty fried cheeseburger, fries, milkshake. Everyone I know must be taken there.
-Ran to the store for dinner ingredients. Went home. Hung out. Made a delicious breakfast dinner of pancakes, eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, sausage with me mum.
-Watched American Idol with mom.
-Talked to our respective Adams.

Wednesday, May 2nd
-Ah yes. Michelle, me, my mom, and Barbara Johnson all went to Mohegan Sun Casino for the day. Of course I had no intention of gambling, but I was intrigued by the idea of the place and the shops and stuff. So we embarked on our journey to the massive money-eating world of slot machines, old people, and cigarettes. Thank god for Barbara because her enthusiasm was way more entertaining that the casino itself. Michelle and I mostly just walked around, ate Krispy Kreme donuts and Johnny Rocket’s, and then watched my mom and Barbara take turns pressing the max bet button on the 25 and 50 cent slot machines. Sometimes they even let Michelle and I press the button or pull the lever, which was fun. Then we all went to one of the restaurants and Michelle and I shared a chocolate shake. Then they played some more, won back their money, and then we went home.
-Later, Michelle, Jon, and I ran to Walmart and A.C. Moore so I could pick up some mat board for a couple of pieces I told Adam I would mat for him for his show. It was cute hanging out with Jon.
-Got home, watched LOST with Michelle. Then matted. Then hung out with Michelle.
-Talked to our respective Adams.

Thursday, May 3rd

-Got up. Got ready. Headed to Providence at 12:30. Got there at 2. Dropped of stuff at Adam’s. Said hi and bye to Adam.
– Michelle and I went to the mall to browse and kill time before Adam’s show. Tried to find a cute dress. No luck.
-Grabbed lunch at Cheesecake Factory. Drove to the shopping center to park my car and walk back to Adams. Waited on his porch for him to finish up in the computer lab. Adam speedily got ready and ran back to the ISB while Michelle went to visit Printmaking people and I chilled in Adam’s room.
-At 5:45, I impatiently left for the ISB gallery by myself, as Michelle still hadn’t returned.
-Got Charlie to let me into the locked ISB (which was so dumb considering it was gallery night at 6pm….grrr.)
-Made it to Adam’s show before the rush of people. Chatted with his mom and dad. Browsed the awesome illustration work on the walls.
-From 6-9pm I had the opportunity to catch up with many wonderful long-lost RISD kids including Alysha, Sarah, Bob, and Melissa, among others. It was so strange to see so many familiar faces after being so isolated this past year. Especially because Michelle was with me. It was such a blast from the past. I also got to see Adam’s family, and was super surprised when my own parents showed up after telling me they wouldn’t be coming. It was excellent timing as they arrived just as Adam’s family (mom, dad, aunt, uncle, cousin) was departing. I was happy they all had the chance to meet, and was so happy and appreciative that my family came to support their future son-in-law’s artistic achievements. Thanks guys. You’re the best.
-Also the best was the show itself. Truly a very solid show all around. They should all be very proud of themselves. Yay awesome seniors!
-After the show, Adam and I met back up with Michelle and ran to Thayer for some pizza. Then we went back to his place. While Adam worked on his character design homework, I taught Michelle how to play the Harry Potter and Pokemon card games (I can’t believe what more of a nerd I am now.)
-Michelle went to bed downstairs while I tried to stay up with Adam. I definitely fell asleep as he worked, and woke up when he finished at 4am…At which time he thought it would be a good idea to run down to the ISB to pick up stuff so he could do his reading homework as well. I of course thought he was crazy. He left to get it anyway and then came back to start it, and I still thought he was insane. He eventually came to his senses and decided one absence from his class wouldn’t jeapordize his assured A. So then we went to sleep.

Friday, May 4th
-Michelle left for New York early that morning. Adam and I slept in rather late (noon or so). Then he got up and went to class. I showered and proceeded to play pokemon on his computer all day while he was gone. After he returned we walked up to Thayer to eat, and then over to the shopping center to get my car, browsed Staples and F.Y.E., and then drove to the RISD lot.
-At this point, my car was acting really strange. On Thursday after Michelle and I went to the mall my car was doing weird things like revving to 4rpm with me barely touching the gas. So driving was very nerve-racking as I feared my car would lurch forward dangerously, or die on me completely while driving. But I made it back safely and parked it .
-At 9 something, Dustin met Adam and I and we all walked over to the mall to get tickets for Spiderman 3. We knew the showings were selling fast, so we wanted to make sure we got tickets. We did, but for the 11pm showing. So we killed time in the food court until 10:30, and then got our seats. It turns out our seats were the best part of the movie. Well, that and the Harry Potter trailer that showed before it. (OMG. Amazing!)
-Yeah, so not a whole lot to say about it. Bruce Campbell was the best part. Entertaining though it was, a successful third installment it really was not. Too silly and goofy. Too packed with undeveloped characters and plot holes. Which is just so sad because it looked so promising. So many hearts have broken in the wake of this Spiderman disappointment. So sad, so sad indeed.

Saturday, May 5th
-Adam and I hung out most of the day at his place, him reading, me on the computer. Not a whole lot happened… I did cut his hair…the first time I’ve ever done so for anybody. I think it came out all right. Other than that and eating stuff, we hung out until Michelle got back from NYC around midnight. We recapped her adventures\, ate chocolate truffle cake, and went to bed.

Sunday, May 6th
-Michelle’s friend Allison visited from Boston. Got to meet and chat with her for a bit. Had breakfast with Adam. Then brought Michelle to the airport with Andrew. And said goodbye. For who knows how long.
Why, oh why must we live on separate coasts?!?!?
-Sad faced, I met Adam at his studio. Then he worked, and I moped. And he painted and I cut things out. Then I moped some more and then he finished painting at 8 and then we walked to the mall and had dinner at Uno’s. Honey crisp chicken salad. It was delicious and exactly what I wanted. Call me extravagant…
-Retired to Adam’s for the night. Had a good long talk. And snuggly time.

Monday, May 7th
-Woke up at 6 am. Moved my car. Which almost didn’t even start. Then went back to sleep until 10. Then got up and left. Bye!
-Got home, unpacked, showered, went to work.
-After work, me and my parents drove to Amber’s in Colchester for dinner with her and Jon. It was cute having a little cook-out dinner party.

And that’s it. Today I taught the home school kids and then put a few extra hours in working on cleaning up the butterfly mosaic do I can grout it sooner than later. But since my car is in desperate need of repair by a mechanic and that isn’t happening before Thursday, I don’t know when I’ll be back at the school.

I went for a walk tonight with my mom and and it was beautiful and cool and smelled wonderfully and I felt more alive than I have in a while. Must walk again tomorrow night. And the next. On and on for eternity.

I love summer. I’m off to re-read Harry Potter 6 to prepare myself for the final installment on July 21st.
This summer will be A. MAZE. ING! OOOOF!