Archive for March, 2008

Living.

March 12, 2008

If I stop and think about my life— this new life– on my own—–in a new place— with my best friend—far from family— and cats—waking up early—bus–subway—work—subway–bus—home—dinner—-bed…..

It’s all a bit overwhelming. It doesn’t feel like my life. And yet at the same time it’s the life I’ve been manifesting in my mind for a long time. Every so often when I’m sitting next to strangers on the T, staring down at the floor….studying all the shoes of the people around me….coming and going… I think to myself: who am I, where am I, how did I get here, and what the hell happened to Little Chipmunk–baby Courtney who doesn’t go anywhere or do anything….because she’s scared of the world?

It’s not that I’m no longer scared, it’s just that I seem to have made all these choices and taken all these paths that have led me to find myself in a new version of me. I have no idea how I got here, but somehow it happened.

I suppose that if our bodies regenerate such that we are composed of entirely new cells every seven years, then perhaps all my fraidy-cat cells from childhood have been absorbed and replaced without me realizing it.

But I can’t help but look in the mirror and see naive, baby-faced Chipmunk-Courtney staring back at me, wondering when everyone else will discover the facade.